Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
