I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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