And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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