your parents love me but you hate me
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
