why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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