my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
