Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
