I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
