I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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