so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
