Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
