Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
