Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
