dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
