How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
