I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
