Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
