sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
What drink are we having for lunch?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
