Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
