Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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