It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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