i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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