I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
