4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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