you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My ass is underappreciated
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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