3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
