my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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