so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
