I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
