We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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