tell your sister to shave her snatch
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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