I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
