I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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