Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
