Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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