haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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