My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
