why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
