dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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