Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
