I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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