Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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