Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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