I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
