There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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