he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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