I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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