i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
