Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
