Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
