Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My bed smells like the plague
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