honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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