i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
