By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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