he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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